Loss

Going into care (the looked after system) can be very much about losing things – Mum and /or Dad, brothers, sisters, family home, school, friends. It can sometimes be the little things you miss like all the things in your bedroom you’d notice as you were lying in bed, the smells of your house, the sounds.

 

Of course, sometimes it can be a relief to be away from a house where things aren’t right in whatever way. When it comes to loss, people can have very mixed feelings. It’s possible to feel relief and sad at the same time.

 

At Voices From Care (Cymru) we believe that it is important that the loss children and young people experience when they come into care is acknowledged (another word) children and young people need space and time to deal with their feelings.

 

Ways to help
§ Try talking about your feelings. Bottling things up is not always good. Choose a time when you are ready to talk. Talk to some one you trust – a carer/key worker, social worker, counsellor, Childline, an advocate or us at Voices From Care (Cymru).

§ Try keeping a memory box – this could have photos, tickets and other things about your past, your family, places you’ve been and things you’ve done. Ask someone to help if needed as you may need help getting hold of the things you want for the box.

§ Some children and young people are able to keep contact with family, people and places when they go into care or even change placement. This can make things easier. If you have views about contact get them heard. Advocates can help and reviews are a good place to talk about what you want. Contact doesn’t just have to mean family – it can mean being able to see old friends, visit your old school or your old carers, and write to children/young people you used to live with.

 

More Info

There are many ways that people cope with loss. People can have the same reactions whatever the loss – from losing your favourite possession to losing contact with a friend to some you are close to dying. However some losses affect us more deeply than others.

Some common reactions to loss.

· Numbness and Shock – feeling like you’re in a trance, you’re doing something but you don’t feel like it’s you.

· Disbelief – “ Oh shit, this can’t be happening”.

· Searching – constantly looking, thinking you’ve seen things or people you haven’t. Feeling hyper, unable to relax.

· Grief – heartbreak, crying, wanting to cry (even at things that are completely unrelated). People often find themselves laughing one minute and in floods of tears the next.

· Illness – headaches, sickness, tiredness, can’t eat a thing.

· Panic – “Will I lose everything?” Can’t go out, bad dreams.

· Anger – “ Rhrhrhrhrh………..”. “ Better get out of my way”.

· Guilt – “ What could I have done to change this?” “If only I’d done things differently”.

· Acceptance – “Maybe it’s for the best”.

 

These feelings can’t be rushed and sometimes people have to go through them all to be able to accept what has happened. Many people don’t like to talk about loss but sharing your feelings with someone you trust really helps